I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
