i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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