I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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