Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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