all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
