you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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