I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Randomize
