Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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