I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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