Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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