I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
