Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
