i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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