Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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