ya dads aren't the best wingmen
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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