Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
