he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
