I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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