There was a lot of him and a little penis
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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