i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
i out mim tonsoeep
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