Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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