i'm signing you up for texting rehab
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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