You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
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I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
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I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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