I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need to calm my uterus...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
