Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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