like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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