My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
