Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
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I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
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he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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