I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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