the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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