rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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