Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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