He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
