I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
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He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
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It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.