But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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