My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
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theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
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Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize