I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
