i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
