I just threw up on my dentist
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
