The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
