His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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