I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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