Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
this boner is exhausting
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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