I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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