I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I lost the right to judge tonight
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
