I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
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