College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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