I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Do you have feelings for this penis?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
