I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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