1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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