Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We are all done wearing pants today
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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