Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
