There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
