Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
