my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Randomize
