on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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