u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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